If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
You Might Also Like
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
What?!?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I really had high hopes for this year though
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube