Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
You Might Also Like
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about