[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts