What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
A drum solo but on your face.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.