Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
You Might Also Like
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂