Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I was up all night reading about insomnia