Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough