I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
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I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.