Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
You Might Also Like
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
i think both sides are to blame here
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
i hope my email finds you on fire
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.