Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
happy valentine’s day to me
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”