“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
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i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.