Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.