I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
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I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
thanksgiving in nutshell
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.