Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Meow
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN