[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
U talkin 2 me?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
That’s fair
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.