[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Perfect.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.