My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.