God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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saving face 👀
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.