The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.