I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.