[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
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4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
respect
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.