8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Just a phase…
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead