PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
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Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.