It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
You Might Also Like
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.