ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
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Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.