[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
😂🤣😂🤣
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”