Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
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I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
And now we wait
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?