ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
absolute chaos
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails