Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
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Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*