My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.