Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Mountain Goat : )
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING