I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
#Caturday
Thick as shit.