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sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.