God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S