friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now