live long and prosper!
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze