[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
i’m still crying at this
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead