Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer