When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Should I call tech support or pray or what