hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg