My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*seductively eats two tums*
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*