I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
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i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows