My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village