Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.