i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth