it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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whenever i wake up before my alarm
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership