when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
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*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Dear Lord..
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??