it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
*orders delivery*
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
*launders Kohls cash*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.