Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
just witnessed a drug deal
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.