Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
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There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.