Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
#SaturdayBears